"Am I going
to be ok? Is this constant rollercoaster of self-hatred going to end? How much
time has passed? What am I? Was I ever healthy or is this a never ending
continuum that I tend to not realize until the moment it becomes suffocating? Is
this normal? Why the hell am I still alive? I'm crazy. I'm crazy as fuck. Was I
always crazy, realizing it now? Please help me, my brain is trying to kill me.
Is there anyone out there feeling the same shit I feel?..."
What would it be like for you to relive the worst
moments of your life over and over again in a cycle with no expiration
date? Depression feels like reliving your worst moments, every day,
every single time you open your eyes. Sleep becomes your heaven, spiritual and physical. But you're never safe. This constant thought that someone will hurt
you, now that you're more vulnerable than ever. You are vulnerable. Every decision you make, minor or massive, seems to be life
threatening.
Time. Each day drifts into another, just like when dust
gets scattered and then returns to its original position. One night you find yourself
watching the clock ticking and it comes to your muddled attention that months have
passed. It feels like years, but you tend to believe that it's been only a
week, or a month. It's never a week, never a month.
When you're depressed, you can not be productive or
have fun with something that made you happy before. All of your brain power is
spent upon your "problem". Your whole body is a mess, you're losing
weight like hell, or gaining weight like crazy. Too much or too little sleep
adds to your numbness. Your stomach is bombarded by too much smoking or too
much alcohol or even vomiting, a result of repetitive pressure and anxiety.
Getting sick too often is expected and doesn't help with the situation.
Sometimes you wish to cry. You want to cry, you
want to shout and curse and hit something, but the only one you're hitting is
yourself, because you're the only one to blame for this mess you became. Self destruction is the result of two warring emotions: the inability
to express yourself and the fervent need to express yourself. Though it is your very self that does not allow you to
express yourself as an additional punishment for whatever it is you're doing to it in the first place. Consider it for a moment. It is you who drives yourself
in depression and then it is you who punishes you for the depression you brought
upon yourself. Funny huh? How many "you"s in a sentence. Depression
is an egotistic disorder, remember?
Music, books, TV series, sex, having a
conversation, going for a walk they all feel redundant and likely hard to
enjoy. You are always thinking in two levels. There's this one level where you
try to focus on the thing you are doing and there is the other level where you think
that something is wrong. All the time, every moment of every hour. Sometimes
you choose to take no action so your mind will be able to focus on the
problem, so you can have "one head" not "two". And some of
those times you're afraid to be alone, but you're afraid to be with other
people too. When you're all alone there's this constant thought that you will
hurt yourself, mentally or physically, and sometimes you do. You want to pick
up the phone and ask for help at those moments, but this is also extremely
hard. Consumed with the notion that you're a burden, the decision to ask for
help is a nightmare to take. And there's a lot of danger involved in these moments.
Was this Plexiglas surrounding me all along? Yes it was, but it was more....
penetrable. All those people giving you advice, trying to help, trying to
share their love with you, are separated by this Plexiglas of negativity. It's
not all futile, but most of it is. Only when your mind decides that it is time to
become better, does the Plexiglas become slightly penetrable again. Every word
messes with your head and gives birth to thousand of thoughts, each one
more depressive than the other.
Is there a way out? There is a way out. Hang in
there.
Part 2 End
0 σχόλια:
Δημοσίευση σχολίου