The Concept of Situational Depressive Disorder & Generalized Anxiety Disorder (part 2)

"Am I going to be ok? Is this constant rollercoaster of self-hatred going to end? How much time has passed? What am I? Was I ever healthy or is this a never ending continuum that I tend to not realize until the moment it becomes suffocating? Is this normal? Why the hell am I still alive? I'm crazy. I'm crazy as fuck. Was I always crazy, realizing it now? Please help me, my brain is trying to kill me. Is there anyone out there feeling the same shit I feel?..."

What would it be like for you to relive the worst moments of your life over and over again in a cycle  with no expiration date? Depression feels like reliving your worst moments, every day, every single time you open your eyes. Sleep becomes your heaven, spiritual and physical. But you're never safe. This constant thought that someone will hurt you, now that you're more vulnerable than ever. You are vulnerable. Every decision you make, minor or massive, seems to be life threatening. 

Time. Each day drifts into another, just like when dust gets scattered and then returns to its original position. One night you find yourself watching the clock ticking and it comes to your muddled attention that months have passed. It feels like years, but you tend to believe that it's been only a week, or a month. It's never a week, never a month.

When you're depressed, you can not be productive or have fun with something that made you happy before. All of your brain power is spent upon your "problem". Your whole body is a mess, you're losing weight like hell, or gaining weight like crazy. Too much or too little sleep adds to your numbness. Your stomach is bombarded by too much smoking or too much alcohol or even vomiting, a result of repetitive pressure and anxiety. Getting sick too often is expected and doesn't help with the situation.

Sometimes you wish to cry. You want to cry, you want to shout and curse and hit something, but the only one you're hitting is yourself, because you're the only one to blame for this mess you became. Self destruction is the result of two warring emotions: the inability to express yourself and the fervent need to express yourself.  Though it is your very self that does not allow you to express yourself as an additional punishment for whatever it is you're doing to it in the first place. Consider it for a moment. It is you who drives yourself in depression and then it is you who punishes you for the depression you brought upon yourself. Funny huh? How many "you"s in a sentence. Depression is an egotistic disorder, remember?

Music, books, TV series, sex, having a conversation, going for a walk they all feel redundant and likely hard to enjoy. You are always thinking in two levels. There's this one level where you try to focus on the thing you are doing and there is the other level where you think that something is wrong. All the time, every moment of every hour. Sometimes you choose to take no action so your mind will be able to focus on the problem, so you can have "one head" not "two". And some of those times you're afraid to be alone, but you're afraid to be with other people too. When you're all alone there's this constant thought that you will hurt yourself, mentally or physically, and sometimes you do. You want to pick up the phone and ask for help at those moments, but this is also extremely hard. Consumed with the notion that you're a burden, the decision to ask for help is a nightmare to take. And there's a lot of danger involved in these moments.

Was this Plexiglas surrounding me all along? Yes it was, but it was more.... penetrable. All those people giving you advice, trying to help, trying to share their love with you, are separated by this Plexiglas of negativity. It's not all futile, but most of it is. Only when your mind decides that it is time to become better, does the Plexiglas become slightly penetrable again. Every word messes with your head and gives birth to thousand of thoughts, each one more depressive than the other.

Is there a way out? There is a way out. Hang in there.

Part 2 End

The Concept of Situational Depressive Disorder & Generalized Anxiety Disorder (part 1)

I tend to hyper analyze stuff a lot as you may easily guess by the blog's title. I could start this topic giving definitions and bullet points for indications of depression, but I'm sure you can google them yourselves. The very point of this article is to try and simulate the state of anxiety and depression as experienced internally by a person.

Imagine having a black hole following you constantly. Now imagine knowing how painful it is to fall inside this hole and how hard it is to climb out of it, because you have been there before. Imagine that you can avoid falling inside the hole but it is still so hard to escape its gravitational pull on you and you're so tired of trying to escape it that you stand on the edge. Imagine falling inside the hole, staying there, remembering how the outside world feels, till everything starts looking blurrier and blurrier. Finally imagine yourself being the hole, absorbing the hole, becoming darkness, being unable to remember how it was before, because your past and present and future are jumbled up in a black hole of nothingness.

People tend to confuse depression with sadness. It is not the same, actually it's more of the opposite. I perceive sadness as a redemptive feeling, it is painful but it is still good for you, helping you grow and build defenses. Depression, in case of an anxious person, feels more like panic, chaos, disorientation, absence of feelings, numbness and misery. It is a constant vortex of unexplained anxiety taking the place of every other feeling, good or bad, making you a living, breathing zombie. 

It goes like this: Fear creates anxiety. Anxiety creates more fear, a fear that you will be constantly anxious leading to a never ending circle of these feelings. Fear and anxiety lead to low self esteem, negativity, paranoia, socialization difficulties and isolation. Isolation leads to more fear, anxiety and negativity. Finally you deal with a couple of panic attacks. Then you feel an even greater fear of having a panic attack again and then you deal with panic attacks generated by your fear of panic attacks. Some alcohol and drugs will lead you to a psychotic break aaand there you have it. Depression.

When you are depressed, you are alone. You might -virtually- have a lot of people helping you, giving you advice or even doctors treating you, but in the end you are all alone fighting this. Depression is an egotistic disorder. The train of thought of a depressed person goes somewhat like this: "I am not good enough for this. I am not good enough for having people around me. I do not deserve love, I cannot go outside I am disgusting, I should stay home because I'll make everyone miserable, I am never calm- am I dying, I am going to die so why wait?"

Actually you hate yourself so much that suicide is the happiest thought of the day. When you are constantly thinking bad things for everything, death seems to be the ultimate salvation, because you're fighting with a mind you cannot control. If your foot is inflicted with gangrene and you're in a never ending pain, you wish to cut it off to find relief. But what can you do when the problem is your brain trying to kill you?

You cannot love when you're depressed. It is hard to deal with everyday necessities like feeding yourself, going to work, taking a shower. All those things are hard to do.  So you cannot take on responsibilities, you feel like you're making everyone miserable and in the end you start becoming more and more distant, losing or driving away every person you love.

The only thing worse than dealing with depression is being in love or in a relationship with a depressive person. It is most likely that you will be hurt and abandoned, because the person in question doesn't love themselves, they are unable to share feelings because they have nothing happy to share. It is not your fault, but it is not the depressive person's either.

Part 1 End

Και τελικά...

Είμαστε ότι δηλώσουμε. Εμείς έχουμε την δύναμη να καταστρέφουμε ή να φτιάχνουμε τους εαυτούς μας. Εμείς χαρίζουμε την εξουσία που έχουν οι εκτός εαυτού στον εαυτό μας, εμείς μας καταστρέφουμε, εμείς μας συγχωρούμε. Καταλήγουμε πάλι στις επιλογές(αλλά αφού σχετικό άρθρο έχει γραφεί, ας μην επαναλαμβάνομαι).

Ώρες ώρες όμως χάνεις τον έλεγχο και προσπαθείς να σε πείσεις ότι δεν ήταν δικές σου οι επιλογές σου, ότι κάποιος άλλος έφταιγε, ότι δεν είσαι τα λάθη σου. Χάνεις τον έλεγχο όταν θέλεις να αποφύγεις τις ευθύνες σου, όταν δεν μπορείς να αντέξεις το βάρος στραβών επιλογών σου. Τότε είναι που φοβάσαι ακόμα περισσότερο, χάνεις την γη κάτω από τα πόδια σου νομίζοντας πως ο πολύτιμος εαυτός σου, που με τόσο κόπο έχτισες, έχει διαλυθεί.

Μα είναι αλήθεια. Δεν είσαι τα λάθη σου, δεν είσαι μόνο τα λάθη σου, άλλα είσαι και αυτά. Και μετά; Μετά απλά το δέχεσαι. Ξεκινάς πάλι από την αρχή και ενσωματώνεις τα καινούρια σου στραβά στην προσωπικότητα σου, χτίζεις καινούρια τείχη. Φτου κι από την αρχή. 

Είναι αυτές οι μικρές σταγόνες που πέφτουν ξαφνικά, από το πουθενά, στο μυαλό σου, που τόσο καιρό πάσχιζε να μην τρελαθεί, που νόμιζε ότι χάνεται κι ότι θα σε σκοτώσει, γιατί σ' έπειθες ότι δεν το ελέγχεις. Αυτές οι σταγόνες δεν είναι ποτέ σκέψεις, όχι, είναι καταστάσεις, είναι δράση, είναι όταν όλα αυτά που φοβόσουν συμβαίνουν μπροστά σου και ξαφνικά από τέρατα μοιάζουν γατάκια. Τότε σε συγχωρείς. Καταλαβαίνεις γιατί δεν μπορούσες να δεις πριν το απλό: Είμαι και τα λάθη μου, είναι και τα λάθη μου επιλογές μου. Είμαι οι επιλογές μου και δεν μπορώ να τις αλλάξω, αλλά ρε γαμώτο είμαι εγώ.

Και τότε δηλώνεις ότι είσαι κάτι καινούριο. Είσαι κάτι καινούριο. Όπως λέει και μια σοφή φίλη "δύο είναι στην ζωή οι καταστάσεις για τις οποίες θα θρηνήσεις περισσότερο. Το να χάσεις έναν άνθρωπο που αγαπάς ή να χάσεις τον εαυτό σου." Πόσο μάλλον όταν έχεις εσένα εν ζωή, περπατάς, ντύνεσαι, τρως, συζητάς, αλλά κατά βάση αποτελείς ένα ζόμπι πολυτελείας καλυμμένο πίσω από δάκρυα που δεν βγαίνουν κι από ξεσπάσματα που δεν ξεκινάνε. Και σε λυπάσαι, θρηνείς για τον θάνατο σου, ενώ είσαι ακόμα όρθιος. Ακόμα κι επικήδειο μπορείς να σου απαγγείλεις αν προσπαθήσεις λίγο.

Και μετά; Και μετά; Μετά απλά δέχεσαι ότι πέθανες λίγο. Αυτό που ήσουν, αυτό που γνώρισες σε κόσμο, αυτό που έβγαζες βόλτα, που περιποιούσουν κι αγαπούσες.... δεν υπάρχει πια. Είναι λογικό να θρηνήσεις, έχεις δικαίωμα να χαθείς και να φέρεις τους πάνω κάτω και το αντίθετο, όσοι δεν το αντέχουν απλά δεν συνεχίζουν στην φάση NG(New Game)+, NG++ και πάει λέγοντας. 

Είσαι χαρούμενος μετά; Είσαι χαρούμενος μετά. Έκανες την κηδεία του, τον έκλαψες, κάλεσες και κόσμο. Τον τίμησες τον νεκρό. Και μετά; Μετά φίλε βαφτίσια. Γεννιέται ένας καινούριος τύπος μέσα σου. Καλός- κακός, συμπαθητικός ή μη... εσύ θα μείνεις μαζί του κι απλά κοιτάς να τον φιλοξενήσεις όσο καλύτερα μπορείς, γιατί κάθε γαμημένος ένοικος σ' αυτό το ταλαίπωρο το σώμα σου έρχεται για να τα σπάσει. Και θα τα σπάσει εν τέλει. Οπότε βρες τα μαζί του όσο νωρίτερα γίνεται.

Και τελικά; Τελικά είναι υπέροχη φάση να συνειδητοποιείς( να το νιώθεις όμως, όχι να το λες μόνο, να αγγίζεις τις πληγές στο σώμα σου και να θυμάσαι ότι πονάει, να θυμάσαι να σ' αγαπάς γιατί κάποτε θα σε πονέσεις. Κι αν δεν σ' αγαπάς αρκετά θα σε πονέσεις ακόμα περισσότερο.) ότι είσαι ΕΣΥ κύριος του εαυτού σου. Οπότε μην σε φοβάσαι. Κύλα λίγο να δεις που θα πάει. Απλά να θυμάσαι.... είσαι οι επιλογές σου, μην μετανιώνεις για καμία, απλά μάθε να κάνεις τις λιγότερο επώδυνες... όλες είναι επώδυνες. Καληνύχτα.