I tend to hyper analyze stuff a lot as you may easily guess by the blog's title. I could start this topic giving
definitions and bullet points for indications of depression, but I'm sure you can google them yourselves. The very point of this article is to try and simulate
the state of anxiety and depression as experienced internally by a person.
Imagine having a black hole following you
constantly. Now imagine knowing how painful it is to fall inside this hole and
how hard it is to climb out of it, because you have been there before. Imagine
that you can avoid falling inside the hole but it is still so hard to escape
its gravitational pull on you and you're so tired of trying to escape it that
you stand on the edge. Imagine falling inside the hole, staying there,
remembering how the outside world feels, till everything starts looking blurrier
and blurrier. Finally imagine yourself being the hole, absorbing the hole, becoming
darkness, being unable to remember how it was before, because your past and present
and future are jumbled up in a black hole of nothingness.
People tend to confuse depression with sadness.
It is not the same, actually it's more of the opposite. I perceive sadness as a redemptive feeling, it is painful but it is still good for you, helping you
grow and build defenses. Depression, in case of an anxious person, feels
more like panic, chaos, disorientation, absence of feelings, numbness and
misery. It is a constant vortex of unexplained anxiety taking the place of
every other feeling, good or bad, making you a living, breathing zombie.
It goes like this: Fear creates anxiety.
Anxiety creates more fear, a fear that you will be constantly anxious leading
to a never ending circle of these feelings. Fear and anxiety lead to low self
esteem, negativity, paranoia, socialization difficulties and isolation.
Isolation leads to more fear, anxiety and negativity. Finally you deal with a
couple of panic attacks. Then you feel an even greater fear of having a panic
attack again and then you deal with panic attacks generated by your fear of
panic attacks. Some alcohol and drugs will lead you to a psychotic break aaand
there you have it. Depression.
When you are depressed, you are alone. You might
-virtually- have a lot of people helping you, giving you advice or even doctors
treating you, but in the end you are all alone fighting this. Depression is an
egotistic disorder. The train of thought of a depressed person goes somewhat
like this: "I am not good enough for this. I am not good enough for having
people around me. I do not deserve love, I cannot go outside I am disgusting, I
should stay home because I'll make everyone miserable, I am never calm- am I
dying, I am going to die so why wait?"
Actually you hate yourself so much that suicide
is the happiest thought of the day. When you are constantly thinking bad things
for everything, death seems to be the ultimate salvation, because you're
fighting with a mind you cannot control. If your foot is inflicted with
gangrene and you're in a never ending pain, you wish to cut it off to find relief. But what can you do when the problem is your brain trying to kill you?
You cannot love when you're depressed. It is
hard to deal with everyday necessities like feeding yourself, going to work,
taking a shower. All those things are hard to do. So you cannot take on
responsibilities, you feel like you're making everyone miserable and in the
end you start becoming more and more distant, losing or driving away every
person you love.
The only thing worse than dealing with
depression is being in love or in a relationship with a depressive person. It
is most likely that you will be hurt and abandoned, because the person in
question doesn't love themselves, they are unable to share feelings because they have nothing happy to share. It is not your fault, but it is not the
depressive person's either.
Part 1 End
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